cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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