I puked a lego.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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