you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
