Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
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