Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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