your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
