I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
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