You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
