sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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