Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
