All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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