I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
