once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
