Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
