you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
