I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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