Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
