Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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