sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
