this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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