No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
