Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
