my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
