and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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