I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
