i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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