I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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