I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
