the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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