I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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