Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
