it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
