Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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