ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
