I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
