I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
