I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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