I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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