You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
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