If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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