gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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