shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
