the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
