oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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