Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
