i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
