There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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