I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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