So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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