I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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