She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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