if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
