We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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