I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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