my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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