I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
