Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
